Hari pote and de criminal of guardian of armies of traitors of enemies
by WanderingMagician
Summary: (Try and get to the third chapter. What have you to lose?) Hari pote and de criminal of guardian of armies of traitors of enemies and officers and game with result without a battle of the dark bound to your mom. ONCE UPON A TIEM hari was super stronk so he got into a lot of misadventures moer chaptersd come soon promise haha pls subscride gib moni pls or i report u love 3
1. BEEEEG DOGGE

Hari pote and de criminal of guardian of armies of traitors of enemies and officers and game with result without battle of the dark bound to your mom.  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Harry woke up as book fell on his penis. He yelped in pain and rolled from bed and hit face on the floor and it hurt.  
"owch" he said because he hit his face on the floor and it hurt.  
but harry was kewl so he didn't care.  
then he remembered his homework which was to research many super awesome spells for and use them to be kewl and stronk. So he looked at his humwork and thought:

"im gunna get full grade w these paper"  
so he opend the door to go otside…  
..WHEN A SUPER ANGRE DOGE burst from the door and ate hary's humwork! And snarled and rored cuse it was super scary  
so harry thought:  
"no problem cause I have MAGIC!"  
but then the SUPER ANGRE DOGE spat out a huge globe of avada kedavra on harry cause when it ate the humwork it learned everything that was on it bcs that's how magic works, dumbass.  
so harry sidestepped the thing and was all like  
"wtffff"  
Them the SUPER ANGRE DOGE that was super angre, bad, evil and mean cast a crucio spell on harry that reflected it whit his glasses but the SUPER ANGRE DOG opened his mouth and **ATE IT  
** And by digesting it the SUPER ANGRE DOGE grew 10 feet and turned in to a furry deth eater dementor like verlisify  
Harry didn't know what to do, he tried the anti-dementor ecspecto patron spell, as well as the anti-deth eater and anti-furry DOGE spell he called "supoer dark evil beem of destrustion and doom and POWAH" but in latin which was like "hail satan hail satan hail satan blah blah"  
so the SUPER ANGRE DOGE took a step back in pain and yeowched but he was super stronk bcs he was dark sied so he did not die and he look at harry and said  
"join the dark side we have poweh"  
but harry said  
"nop"  
so the SUPER ANGRE DOGE saiud:  
"I am your father"  
but harry just pointed at the wall cause there was a picture of his dad right there and he wasn't so dumb  
so the doge Jumped at HARRY AND HARRY JUMOPED AT THE SUPER ANGRE DOGE …  
WHEN A TREE BRURST THRU THE WINDO AND HIT THEM BOTH  
bc ron had stealed his fater fly car but he couldn't drive bcs he was 14 so he slammed into the tree and it flew at harry bc logic  
but harry was super stronk and didn't die but the SUPER ANGRE DOGE dieded so Dumbledore went to hari and said  
"congratulations harry you're hokage now"  
and harry said  
"ok but when can I sleep im tired" 


	2. REEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hari pote and de criminal of guardian of armies of traitors of enemies and officers and game with result without battle of the dark bound to your mom.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Harry Potter wakes up.

He realizes he is now hiokage bc he killed the DOGE earlier. He then realized that's fucking stupid and anime is for weaboos, so he decided to be a duchess instead.

That's the position that was open 4 him. Hary didn't write the rules he just followed them.

Hairy rises from his bed sliwly, then looks around sxoflty with his new duchess poweahs. He sess draco Malfoy from another room with his x ray sight that he gained with his duchess powers because magic is important, and he realizes –

Draco Malfoy is a dumbass

Harry dislikes dumbass's.

Dumbassery is a serious mental disease

So harry went back to sleep and when he woke up his MAGIC gave him sacred, unbelievable knowledge. He gained the knowledge of psychiatry because he needed to heal draco malfoy's dumbassery and make give Voldemort a nose

Harry then decied e was 2 tired for this so he used his conjuring spele to smummon a robot to help people with his SACRED FORBINDEN KNWLDGS OF psychiatry.

But the robot was very smart, so Harry looked at the robrwet and asked

"wow u very smart, r u a human?"

And the robot looked at harry, Which pissed him off bc he disliked quiet people

"oh so just because you're smart u think u can ignore me?! INCENDIO!"

And he cast a MAGIC at the robweot which caught fire and died. And then hari looked at the remains of his fallen friend

And realized –

He forgot to turn the damn thing on.

As harry walked to professor snape he realized that he must be forgetting something

Oh no i've just realized I might be forgetting something" hari realized, realizing he might be actually forgetting something.

But since he knows he's the main character it doesnt matter. Since harry was in the second year he knew he had to be more responsible than he was in his first but considering he thought challenging a troll to a fight he might be okay

So he walks into his new Potions teacher's class and everyone looks at him

Hary waves at hermne and rom. They wave back a little awkardleh.

"wazzup ma niggas" hary said, realizing he might have just had a realization – that might piss off a lotta people, he realized.

"Uh… Harry?" hremion asks him her voice kinda low n wierd and rom nodded with his head and his face, facing harry with his face

"sup hremion, don talke 2 me like that im a duchess now" Harry announces proudly, making everyone gasp in surprise.

"Harry… You're acting weird."

Hjrarry doiesnt rly care – rhermine tends to say dumb crap bc she's smart

Hrarry loks at snape, who looks like he's having an aneurism.

"Potter," snape talkes at herary, sounding like he's chocked on gravel.

Haryr drew his wand bc snpae was a lil shit and his hair looked like pissde crap and he poitbed it at snape

"SHAMPOOIUS!" he announced and hrarry's wand shined and from the tip of the shined wand it shined a red light at snpae's hair, which shined brightly and became luscious and silky

Everyone froze

Harry looked at snaope and said seriouysly:

"L'oreal paris"

He thaen walked out bc classes were 4 nerds.

Hrarry walked down the hallrwyas of Hogwarts with cautious steps, bc he was pretty sure that as soon as snape was done having a stroke he would come for harry with a lust for his duchess blood.

He needs somewhere to hide from snape's duchess bloodlust

So he grabs a handful of coins from his pocket and says,

"I wjanna buye sometin moer adventurous and cavernous… like a cavern!"

Hje shiouts, throwing the coins at the floor and scresaming:

"BY MY DUCHESS POWERS, PURCHASIUS!"

And a cave apperars.

In the middle of what was once a hallway long ago. Not it's a wreckage with a cave in it. Bc physics wont allow two things to occupy the same space and caverns are large and big and not small

He hrears running behinds him and, realizing he had the realization that something's running behind him, harry turns, sneeing sneap.

"POTTER!", Snape bellowed, his voice a furious stream of hatred and venom, and hrarry shivers bc snape's a fucking creep he kmight be a pedo too

Hari runs into his dwelling, shouting:

"u wont pedo me this time snape!"

He shouts while he runs into his dwelling. Snaep runs behind him, shouting things in snapese but harry doesn't speak asshole and not even his _**FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE OF**_ psychiatry is able to heal dumbassery as strong as snape's.

"DOORIUS!"

He screams making a door appear between him ans snape which locks snape outrside.

Harry reasts knowing he's safe, but not for longe bc snaep begins poiunding at the door and screaming thinsg in snapese but rharry doesn't pay attention to it bc something told him not to

However, he hears a soft "Harry?" behind him, and when he looks back, he sees Cedric beghind him. Cedrci was holding a gurl in his arms

Harry loks at them

"wtf u doin in mah cave, begone thot"

He spoke.

Cedric stared at him for a hot second, then dropsed the girl in his arms like she was on fire

"What—What the hell is happening?"

Hrarry sighed.

"It's a twilight reference, Edward."

"my name is CEDRIC!"

Hrarry sighed once more… sum people wjust couldn't understand things.

So he pointed his wand at hyim.

"Your name is whatever the fuck I want it to be, Cedric. And I need you, but not your girl – DUCHESS DIFFINDO."

A blaed of air whopshed off his wand and at the girl's throat, which was split open and she died in a shower of sparkles.

Yes she bled sparkles.

"bye bella. Its ok Edward u can cry"

Cedric, now shining from head 2 toe bc of the sparkles, looked scandalized. His heands trembled.

"I didn't even KNOW that girl! What the hell is going on – How did I even get here?! Harry… You're acting weird!"

Hrarry shrugged. Lesser ppl who weren't protags oculd never understand his pain.

"You're not a protag so u will never understand my pain"

Cedric took a step back.

"I…"

He paused.

"Even Snape is worried. Harry… what's going on?"

Hari drew his wand and pointed it at the floor. He screamed OWLIUS and Hedwig appeared.

Hari smiles as he realizes that he has just had the realization of his life – Hedwig will umnderetsand him.

"Hewdig, thank god you're here. Fainally something to talk to that iosnt retarderd."

Hewdig coos, because she's a fucking owl..

Harry frowns. Why didn't she answer? Did he forget to turn HER on, too?

Then he looks at the cave wall and sees a darth vader fanart. He realizes:

"I swee now! Were actruallye goin agisnt the empire and its poisoned everyone!"

Then BLAM!

The door BLEW up and SNAEWP walked inside, together with Professor Trelawney, who looked worried and panicked and worried.

"oh no hedwrig! You were followed by snape and an archeologist!"

Snape began talking, but then frowned in confusion. Trelawney, holding a wand as if she could do something w it,stared at him.

"Harry… There's something wrong with you. Surely you've noticed it? I'm not an archeologist, never was."

Hari was beginning to think everyone was reatarder. Didbt they get it?

"You're whatever I want u to be. DUCHESS ARCHEOLOGISTIUS!"

He SCREAMED, usi9ng his MAGIC from his WAND at Trelawyney, and Ppoof! She appeared wearing archeologist clotehs.

Cedric exclaimed,

"Professor!"

And Trelawney:

"I'm an archeologist"

Hari, so pleased by his accomplisghmetn, didn't even notice smnaep whemn the EVIL professor grabebed a handfucl of something and THREW IT AT HARRY!

"I'm sorry for this, Potter, but we must figure out what happened to you."

And Hri mbegan to faint and he cursed, bc the bad guys had won.

"CURSE U THOT VOLDEMORT"

Then, because he was fainting, he fell to the ground, fainted. The last thing he ever realized was that…


	3. And the world was set on fire

**Hari pote and de criminal of guardian of armies of traitors of enemies**

 _Understandably, there wasn't much of an immediate reaction once the boy's body collapsed to the floor with a dull sound._

Be it in the muggle world or in the wizarding one, there wasn't much doubt that adrenaline did wonders to ease one's reaction to shocking events. And though Snape's life had never truly stood on the line – Well, the man certainly had felt as if that were so.

His immediate response to Potter's behavior, earlier that day, had been – Well.  
Had he the ability to remain emotionally uncompromised on the boy's immediate premise, he'd surely have noticed the many signs of something wrong – not the least of which, the broken use of the English language, which by itself was reason for worry – but as it was, anger was really the only thing keeping Snape from calling up one too many regrets regarding Lily when his eyes met the boy's own, and thus even an exchange of brief words felt like a hundred herculean tasks all at once.

But when the boy had walked away – That anger had given way to something else. Another feeling, just as intense as the one that preceded it, but much more alarming. For if anger was the norm – Panic was not.  
And what else would he have felt but panic, as he gazed upon a blinking crimson eye surging upon the boy's neck? There was an… _aura_ to it, almost – An oppressive feeling of imminent danger, as if a hundred knives had been pointed at his back –

Snape was old. Not because of his age, per se, but because he'd seen much – As a death eater, as a spy, and perhaps even as a student. He'd stood face-to-face with Voldemort himself, the Dark Lord who had taken the Potters from this world – The man who'd slain a thousand more.

Not even he had felt as intensely _evil¸_ as bloodthirsty, as _deadly,_ as the boy's visage had felt right there and then. No spell could produce such feeling, no potion could summon such dread. And for that to be beckoned by Potter – By Lily's boy –

Something was wrong.

Snape's feet had begun to move before he properly knew what he was doing. Hogwarts might have been a maze, but it was a maze so intricately familiar to him that following the boy was no harder than running down the hallways to his own home.

And now – He was here. Standing inside some sort of conjured cave, with walls colored a gray so dull it felt like it had been painted by hand. Trelawney was – She had fallen to the floor on her knees, not long after being hit by whatever it was that Potter had conjured. A few meters away, Cedric was on the floor, covered from head to toe in some sort of sparkling substance – And next to him, what looked like a young woman's corpse was rapidly dissolving into a pile of that same sparkling dust. Though Harry was unconscious and on the floor, his face as peaceful as Lily's had been, so long ago –

That oppressive feeling of imminent doom hadn't diminished in the least. It still permeated the entire place, like the universe had been rewritten with that exact hallway as the gateway to incomprehensible chaos. _Wrong_ didn't come close to defining whatever was happening, and Severus felt his heart tighten within his chest.


End file.
